originallyME -

Why? A question very often to be questioned.

Why? Yet nobody knows the answer.

We keep questioning, and til now we never know the answer.

When that question comes up, we end up in silence. But when we’re in that silence, i wish time stops. Wishing somehow the answer suddenly pops out. And in that silence is where i wanna be for some time. When time stops, and all i can feel is that silence..

…[v]…

There are times when you feel like nothing is just right, when you feel that no matter how hard you try, the result would be just the same, when you’ve tried to give everything you’ve got but it means nothing, when you feel like you’ve never given anything to the ones you love, when you wanna blame everything…i mean e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g ….yourself, others, the condition…bahkan you questioned ‘why me?’ .Then you come up to an answer that it’s nothing to blame, but perhaps just yourself..

There are times when you feel upset til it hurts, when you burst in tears eventhough before you’d think that would be the last thing you’ll do, when you’ve been through such, many times, but still don’t get the hang of it, when you feel blank-headed and make you don’t feel like doing anything for quite some time… Maybe others will think me pity for feeling like this but hey…i’m just human…

A dear friend said that my value isn’t measured by a piece of paper…how can she come up with such warmth words..thank you..thank you for the sms(s), thank you for the calls (and unanswered calls), thank you for the whisper…but despite all that, bizzarely, it makes me feel even worse…the more couraging messages i get, it shows the more that people care, and it shows the more people i let down..the more people care for me, the more i let them down…i’m sorry…

i’m still just human..

[v]

It’s just so refreshing…having a 12 day holiday after not having any since…5 years??hahaha… Cuci mata – seeing new and unforgotten places..people – cuci telinga –hearing the language of my parents homeland, which makes it mine, too, and hearing new ones of course— dan cuci hati!

Jauh dari segala rutinitas dan orang-orang yang sama –bukannya mereka tidak menyenangkan, mereka sungguh menyenangkan— Menyegarkan otak yang sempat berontak karena gak pernah istirahat –hey that rhymes!—dan ternyata made me realize that the ones left behind wuz missed!

There were nice talks with unpredictable old friends –thanks for the chat toer!and kak pian!– sweet sms’s – yang bikin yakin kalo ternyata ada,some, juga yang merindukan kalo jauh!ahahahahaa—

It wuz nice and totally fun , walopun da kejadian-kejadian ajaib, yang sebenarnya bikin tambah seru…thanks mum!and dad too!

Expecting for another hehe..

[v]

Kalo kebanyakan apa-apa memang gak enak ya..kebanyakan makan bisa kekenyangan terus muntah, kebanyakan tidur bisa sakit kepala..kebanyakan yang terjadi dalam satu hari bisa bikin bingung..

Yang enak itu memang yang pas pas aja…

It’s been a pretty weird day, lagi "kebanyakan" yang terjadi hehe..ada yang bikin bingung, ada yang bikin seneng.. bingung karena seneng juga ada..aneh..seneng karena banyak tawaran, bingung karena ada yang gak jelas –wich i really hate becoz i don’t know why u’re mad?or are you not?aargh– bingung karena seneng..karna tadinya seneng terus mau nanya tapi yang mau ditanya suddenly gak jelas kenapa, jadinya bingung mi..bingung juga kan? haha…

darn…mana mau ujian kompetensi lagi akhir minggu…

darn…hari yang membingungkan…

[v]

To know about something atau some’what’ seringnya bawa keuntungan…but sometimes it’s just not so good to know. Terkadang berada di posisi ini doesn’t give a pleasant feeling, moreover malah frightening..because we know what will happen, we know what the chances are..walopun belum pasti, karna yang pasti cuma yang diAtas.

Opening a medical record of someone we know –esp.someone you know closely- frightens me…darn. Frightened to look at the examination and lab.results..What if that medical record, that examination and lab results is ours? damn..

Being able to understand, tidak selalu menyenangkan..

Sometimes you just feel that you want to be somewhere so bad but you just can’t and it makes you feel so sad. — kasiannya itu di’…–

Sometimes you just wanna be with someone so bad but you can’t til it hurts so deep — pasti yang pernah patah hati pernah juga ngerasain ini kan hehe –

Kenapa orang lain bisa berada di tempat dan atau berada dengan orang yang mereka inginkan dan atau melakukan apa yang ingin mereka lakukan sedangkan kita nggak bisa? Sedih banget kali ya…

Kayak perasaan..koq mereka bisa lulus tapi saya nggak?…

ato…pengen deh wisuda sama-sama mereka…

ato…gimana perasaan kita kalo temen kita lagi kena musibah trus kita gak bisa ada disana nemenin mereka..

ato…kok temen-temen saya dah pada nikah padahal saya punya pacar aja belum??? Hahahahaha…

Semua kadang gak bisa berjalan sesuai keinginan kita memang…pasti…tapi…tetep aja…sedih banget kali yak…

mmmm…wish I can always be there for anyone who needs me..but if I can’t (pastinya)..i’m so sorry..pasti ada alasan yang kuat dibalik itu..yakin deh…

hehehe…

[v]

Pasti ada yang nonton grey’s anatomy kan?banyak malah mungkin…story bout doctors..(standar banget ya buat tontonan dokter dan calon-calon dokter). Berarti pernah denger juga original soundtrack nya walaupun cuma segelintir kedengeran dari iklannya..

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it’s just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you’ve followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he’ll say he’s just not the same
And you’ll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

(The Fray, How To Save a Life)

——V

Sometimes it’s just so amazing when u had a really rough day or two it can just fade away after doing something else. Eventhough that something else is simple, or perhaps meaningless for others. Funny. Setelah pulang tanpa menghasilkan sesuatu yang berarti (lagi) yang sempet bikin hati rada dongkol dan capek, gak tahu kenapa jadi pengen nyuci mobil. I just felt so sorry for my car that i haven’t took time to take care of it these days. So yes, i washed it, cleaned it. Tanpa meperdulikan kutukan cuci mobil ku (yang ntah kenapa setiap habis cuci mobil sendiri it always rains, tapi kalo dicuciin ma orang gak!) and you know what? It made me feel better.HA!

I guess i can sleep dengan sedikit lebih nyenyak malam ini..he…Funny isn’t it..

So here I am (again, my 2^nd day, waktu lagi ngetik blog-nya) in this 2×4 m room, night shift clerkship at one of a hospital where you don’t do anything.. trying to finish my paper but end up writing a blog. A blog wich has been quite some time I haven’t written at.

Hari ini termasuk hari yang cukup menyenangkan setelah beberapa saat penuh dengan rutinitas yang benar-benar membuat badan capek, pikiran terkuras, adrenalin meningkat, metabolisme tubuh kacau, daya konsentrasi yang amat menurun dan yang penuh dengan caffeine dan analgetics.

Beberapa kerinduan terobati, kerinduan menghirup udara segar di luar lingkungan kerja, kerinduan pulang ke rumah dengan keadaan yang segar dan tidak mengantuk, kerinduan melihat beberapa teman menyapa dengan hangat, kerinduan akan tertawa lepas tanpa beban…fiuh..menyenangkan..

Ongol-ongol ta tadi di’ irna? Sebenarnya kejadian-kejadian ini bukan hal yang patut untuk ditertawakan (menurutku), bukan hal yang sepele (tapi harus dibawa dengan kepala dingin), tapi jadinya koq kita malah ketawa-ketawa? Gyrus-gyrus sudah mulai kusut kali, atau nervus-nervus salah memberi instruksi ke otak?HA!…tapi jadinya menyenangkan…Betulka irna…mauka berterima kasih ini, kayaknya blog ini khusus buat kau deh..jadinya saya kasih judul namamu mi saja deh hehehe…dengan bantuan ratih sedikit siy…hehehe…ratih yang rela keluar dari tempat yang seharusnya dia berada tadi (nanti ada orang-orang bersangkutan yang baca ) sampe masuk kamar mandi supaya ndak menumpahkan alias membocorkan  semua yang ada di kepalanya, semua yang dia tahu, demi menjaga kepercayaan yang sudah kita kasih (ndak salah berarti di’ tempat sampahta’) hehehe…

Thank You for letting me feel this way today, thank u Irna, thank u Ratih, thank u keadaan..thank u idrus juga dunk ya (karena dia mi tadi se pergi..aaaargh)

Terima kasih…begini saja sudah cukup (kalo kata Irna siy…can’t ask for more ya Na??? huehehe)

[v]

Another Ramadhan has passed, another Iedil Fitri has come. 1 Syawal 1428 H. Moslems around the world celebrate for the month of Holy, the month of forgiveness…

Dari kemarin jalan sudah dipenuhi penjual yang menjajakan berbagai keperluan, mulai dari daun ketupat-ayam hidup-cabe-bawang…toko-toko baju dijejali orang-orang- toko keperluan rumah tangga antri…rame…mmmmmm suasana lebaran…

So yes..this morning I woke up dan takbir berkumandang indah, walaupun kumandangannya tidak sebanyak tahun-tahun lalu, karena ya tahun ini ada 2 versi lebaran lagi..tapi tetap saja kumandang takbir nya terdengar indah dan menyejukkan hati. Masjid dan halamannya dipenuhi jemaah yang datang dari berbagai tempat dan daerah (biar yang rumahnya di IKIP dan Maros juga salat di Al Markaz !)

Habis salat dan ustadz sudah mulai berceramah…suddenly in the middle of the crowdness of people, I felt alone, I heard the words from the ustadz but I wasn’t listening, and my chest felt heavy. So I closed my eyes, try not to listen to anything and praise 4JJl ‘s name over and over and over ..and over..

This hasn’t been the best Ramadhan for V. Allah has its own way of showing things and this time It didn’t show me easily, but yet I still believe that “di balik setiap kesulitan pasti ada kemudahan” .

And I started praying. Praying for forgiveness, for everything that happened, for everyone, for strength….for guidness…and for directions..everyone can learn, dari setiap kejadian dan setiap kesalahan yang diperbuat,…everyone learns, including me, only perhaps..i don’t learn fast…

For after a while I felt something warm on my face, ternyata a tear fell, with the hands of my mother holding my cheek…my chest felt heavier but slowly berangsur-angsur hilang…and I closed my prayer with giving thanks to Allah, for the chance to feel another Ramadhan and another Iedil Fitri..for letting me get through with this….everything It gave me…dengan segala makna yang tersembunyi di dalam setiap kejadiannya..

Minal Aidin Wal Faidzin…maafkan segala kesalahan lahir dan bathin..

[v]